Rejection Day
At its core, Valentine’s Day is a great concept. With relationships playing such a crucial role in our romantic, personal, academic, professional, political, and religious lives, it makes immense sense that we would have a major holiday celebrating at least some aspect of relationships.
In the United States at least, Valentine’s Day has transformed into a holiday in which kids give cheap candies and cards they didn’t write to everyone they know while adults focus almost entirely on one-off sexual or romantic acts. Almost no cultural message is conveyed by the holiday other than: “Take some time once a year to do something romantic or show appreciation for people who matter to you.” (A pursuit that gets hampered by the difficulty of everyone trying to do romantic things at the same time.)
How, then, can Valentine’s Day be salvaged in a manner that imparts genuinely useful relationship skills to kids—in an engaging manner—at the level of a single family?
The greatest hurdle in figuring out relationships more broadly involves learning how to make the first move. The problem is that almost no one actually expresses affection to potential partners on Valentine’s Day because getting rejected sucks. This is where the opportunity lies and where our modified holiday begins.
Part One: Relationship Day
Per our modified February festival, we celebrate Relationship Day on the eve of Valentine’s Day. On Relationship Day, families enjoy a special themed meal over which they discuss the importance of building new relationships—both platonic and romantic. Each family member talks about people with whom they wish they were friends along with (when appropriate) people they wish they were dating. By the end of the day, each family member is expected to have chosen a “target” person or group they want to engage along with a plan for engaging them.
While younger family members obviously start out by only engaging potential friends, older single family members are increasingly encouraged to take chances on potential romantic partners, as romantic partner rejection is both more daunting and more capable of steeling oneself against all sorts of rejection later on down the line (i.e., If you’re not fazed by someone rejecting you as a romantic partner, less-painful rejections of friendships, job openings, schools, etc. lose much of their painful sting).
Discussion around relationship partners of interest also offers an opportunity to kick off conversations about desirable partner attributes, personal value offered (Why would they be interested in you? Are you in the same league?), useful heuristics around partner searches, and romantic relationships in general.
Any family member asking out a potential romantic partner gets a condom as a traditional Relationships Day gift. This obligates parents to regularly have “the talk” with younger family members. Even though they probably won’t be using the condom soon, younger family members will at least know:
- That even if the family advises against sex, nobody will be punished for requesting safe sex advice.
- Where to find a condom if one is needed at the last minute and it’s too awkward to buy or request one.
Part Two: Rejection Day
While Valentine’s Day proceeds normally, a week later the family celebrates Rejection Day. On Rejection Day, any family member who can prove they attempted to engage their target—whether or not their target rejected them—gets some sort of reward (be it a gift, their favorite meal, a favor they can cash in later, etc.), and a box of Valentine’s Day chocolates or candies is awarded to whoever made the most brave attempt as voted by each family member. The family enjoys another special meal over which engagement attempts are discussed, family members analyze what might have gone right or wrong, and everyone generally shares advice and encouragement.
This enables teens and young adults to frame failed romantic relationship attempts not as failures, but as self-improvement and a learning opportunity.
Full, family-facilitated post-mortem analyses on relationship attempts also encourage everyone to make genuinely well-thought-through attempts, as everyone knows that half-baked attempts will be scrutinized by the family. This is uniquely meaningful, as the anxiety most feel about rejection ironically also drives many to not put much thought into their “asks,” (seeing as merely thinking about the scenario is horrifying), which increases the odds of embarrassing rejection.
Holiday Aesthetics
- As with Future Day, Rejection Day leverages common decorations associated with the associated larger holiday—Valentine’s Day in this case—but hones in on elements that are relevant to the holiday and its values (specifically, arrows and targets, which symbolize strategy, initiative, and intentionality).
- The most traditional decoration unique to this holiday is a group of arrows bound together by twine or ribbon and hung above a door entrance.
- As with traditional Valentine’s Day, hearts also play a role in decoration—though (depending on the family’s taste) these hearts can be literal hearts and symbolize the “hunt.”
Holiday Foods
- Relationship and Rejection Day meals center around participatory family cooking in which family members either learn to make or teach each other to prepare dishes that any family member can use to impress potential friends or partners (typically, these are dishes that are impressive but trivially easy to prepare, like good pan-seared steak, homemade pies, etc.).
- The token box of Valentine’s Day chocolates granted to whoever made the most valiant move gives a family member an opportunity to share the treat with the family (or newly-won friends!) and also subtly teaches about frugality, as the box can be purchased at a steep discount in the days immediately following Valentine’s Day. (Side note: A small Valentine’s Day tradition we celebrate as a couple involves celebrating it two weeks late, which makes getting restaurant reservations and discount cards and chocolates a breeze).
Objectives Behind the Holiday’s Design
- By bringing family members together to discuss relationship creation strategy, this set of celebrations encourages families to be engaged in each other’s personal lives and social successes in a constructive and encouraging manner that also somewhat evens the playing field (i.e. it’s not just kids who are asked about making friends; adults are placed in a vulnerable position too).
- An obligation for adults as well as young family members to establish targets, make plans, and share their attempts’ outcomes helps to keep adults’ social networks vibrant at a life stage when social graphs typically begin to atrophy and ossify.
- By building aesthetics around targets, bows, and arrows, Relationship and Rejection Day is designed to shift this seasonal relationship festival from something stressful and often passive to something actively empowering (celebrants aren’t passively being shot by Cupid’s bow, as it were—they are taking the weapon into their own hands and sharpening their marksmanship).
- The box of Valentine’s Day chocolates or candies gifted to whoever made the bravest attempt adds a level of friendly competition to the holiday that makes it more engaging.